Thursday, February 14, 2013

Humorless Internet Commenter Of The Week: Factchecker

This week's humorless Internet commenter may be my favorite yet. The extent of the humorlessness reaches a magnitude I have yet to see. It also involved a bit of a back and forth with the said commenter. This is the type of commenter that has no humor and is arrogant in his ignorance. He is not well intentioned. He is just miserable, burdened by facts, and unable to have any fun. HE IS A BORE.

Gawker posted an article about a young girl suing her parents because she said they were forcing her to get an abortion. Of course this is taking place in Texas. Where else would something like this happen? I made this comment, which is obviously sarcastic, based on stereotypes, and meant to go along with the theme of Texas is horrible (it is):
On behalf of the fetus, I am bringing suit against the mother for getting pregnant in Texas and the inevitable consequences that will follow.
Anyway, appropriately named SoberMan, took time out of his effervescent existence to post this response:
Inevitable consequences that will follow from a baby being born in Texas? How are you going to sue just because the child will have a better chance at gainful employment when he/she grows up?
Oh, blah. I don't believe in anything enough to respond to most comments, let alone one like that. So, in an effort to be even more general and stereotypical, I posted:
Oh, I was talking the racism, meth use, trailer sex, homicides, ignorance, Creationism, and ATV riding. Should have been clearer, sorry.
Fortunately, for me and all of Gawker, SoberMan had some time on his hands to do some in depth research and come up with a set of facts that refuted my obviously factual assertion: 
Racism: not really. In some pockets in East Texas, but otherwise significantly less than places like Indiana and Illinois.
Meth Use: Nope. []
Trailer Sex: only for those who live in trailers, which isn't many.
Homicides: #23 in the US, right behind Ohio and Delaware. []
Ignorance: the three major areas people live in (DFW, Houston, Austin) are all ranked well into the "most college-educated areas" of the nation list.
Creationism: that's more of a "Deep South" thing, but you'll find people that believe that everywhere in the US. Honestly, I don't really know anyone who firmly believes anything of the sort.
ATV Riding: I go to a lot of ranches, but we seldom use four-wheelers. Maybe a $20k "mule" (a Diesel engine-powered, four person, lifted-suspension golf cart with four wheel drive)..It was a nice try, though..
 Ah, yes. The man decided to do a little Internet research to refute my comment, which was obviously based in fact. I must admit, I responded to this comment in a very vulgar and abrasive way:
Here. Why'd the chicken cross the road? Now go spend 2 hours of your miserable humorless life explaining why that joke isn't true Fucking wrong with you miserable bastards?
I must admit he felt my months of frustration of receiving dumb, humorless, and boring comments from people on Gawker. How can you be such a fucking bore? Well, he just kept going:
The chicken could cross the road for a number of reasons. First, a few questions must be answered: 1. Is there something chasing the chicken? 2. Is something that the chicken normally does? 3. Is the chicken stuffed up the ass of a hitchhiker? 4. Is there food across the street from it? Once these questions have all been answered, then one must revert to the scientific method to ascertain the true reason why the chicken decided to cross said road. With that, we begin with a simple hypothesis: "Maury doesn't understand what trolling is." Once we have that set, we then make a prediction: "Maury wouldn't understand how to tell a joke if it sat on his face and farted." Crude and childish, yet simple and, unfortunately, reasonable.
At this point I just gave up. There is a level of humorlessness and ignorance that one encounters sometimes that is impenetrable. You know the type. The guy that goes through life being told he is wrong and not funny but never believes it. He doubles down on his hyper-rationality and often times succumbs to the dream of hyper-masculinity (shooting guns, truck nuts, paint ball). You can't argue with it.