Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Humorless Commenter Of The Week:You're Retarded!

This week's comment comes in many parts and uses the most vile and vicious language know to man. I did watch some of the national championship in football. I don't like football. I used to and then I moved to Philadelphia. It is like never eating meat again after watching it be consumed by ferocious hyenas and then maggots. Anyway, I was sure glad I tuned in, because I got to see one hot babe. I love me a babe that can stop a bullet with the makeup on her face and when she flips her hair small angels fall out and scatter about. Brent Musburger does to. He masturbated to the poor quarterback's girlfriend, while fantasizing finishing on his mother. It was grotesque.

Anyway, Gawker posted an article about how the famous girlfriend was a Rhodes Scholar beauty queen. I love beauty queens. I feel like they embody everything that is good about America and the world. However, being a beauty queen from Alabama is extra special. This is what you have to do to win:
1) Recite alphabet continuously for 5 seconds.
2) Trace lineage to former slave holder

3) Castrate a bull

4) Discriminate against discrete and insular minority

5) Count to 10 (best two out of 3)

6) Name capital of Alabama

7) Hypothesize how World War II will end

8) Make 3 pints of grain alcohol

9) Flick hair as though the viewer feels the warm Gulf of Mexico water is lapping languidly at his own feet

10) Resist the flirtations of a relative (not to be more distant that a cousin once removed)
Anybody reading this list would know I am being dead serious. They would also know that I meant it to apply to every person that lives in Alabama, even the unborn. KaylinE, apparently the first person to get the Internet in Alabama, had the following few things to say:
OK, as an Alabamian, I have to say, FUCK YOU. We're not all inbred retarded racists, you douche.
Reader, I was quite offended by the use of the word retarded and I told her so. She replied:
Well you making it seem like all people from Alabama are dumbfucks is offensive too, so call it even.
I told her that I would not accept those terms as I found them offensive. Anyway, there are more comments but you get the idea. She also had some great exchanges with other commenters. Remember, the word is developmentally disabled and not retarded. Don't be a bigot.


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  3. Picturing Steve Martin with an eye patch and a corked fork saying "Oklahoma Oklahoma Oklahoma." Only he's saying "Alabama Alabama Alabama" instead.

  4. PS I love posting as Anonymous. I can pretend I'm wearing a Guy Fawkes mask and masturbating to WikiLeaks and everything.

  5. I like thinking Anonymous is reading my blog.

  6. I'm a biracial lesbian currently in Nursing school in Alabama. Everyday is like the worst day of my life. In the morning, as I sent on my back porch and read the latest Gawker writing travesty, I can smell the stench of broken confederate dreams and cousin sex thick in the air. Sometimes, when my co-workers are splitting infinitives and excusing it as a southern drawl, pieces of my intelligent quotient slowly drift down my face disguised as anguished tears cursing the day my mother became ill. I will persevere through this though. I will continue to watch The Daily Show. I will continue practice reading comprehension and I will not lose my Californian accent. I will graduate and be the only person with a full set of teeth. New York 2015, I have to get out of this state.

    1. I live in an area in Philly that is probably the closest you're going to get to the South. Not the same, I know, but still spirit sucking and exhausting. Fortunately, for me, I'm a white dude that experiences little discrimination, except for disdainful "I hate yuppies" glares. I imagine the combination of your gender, race, and sexuality makes it quite difficult. But you're doing Good. That's all that matters. Before you know it, you'll be laughing about it over a drink in Manhattan!