Thursday, December 27, 2012

Nancy Grace Has A South Pacific Tribesman Living In Her Anus

I love Nancy Grace. I love her so much, I detailed my efforts to get on her show. If there is anybody that shows acute outrage over the death and abduction of children but yet accomplishes absolutely nothing, it is Nancy. Nancy takes to Twitter each night while her show is on and expresses indignant outrage over teachers sleeping with students, husbands murdering wives, and of course innocent children being murdered. She asks inflammatory rhetorical questions and creates inane hashtags. She accomplishes absolutely nothing. She caters to a breed of people that feed off the misery of the United States and do absolutely nothing about it. She is vile troll monster who exploits the death of children and rides it all the way to the bank.  In other words, Nancy is a true American success! However, I have some information on her that many do not know.

I shared this information on Gawker several months back. I feel like I should share it again. Maybe, reader, it will help you to understand Nancy better, and help to explain why the nuclear fire that burns so deep inside her black soul cannot be extinguished:
My aunt was in the Peace Corps with Nancy Grace. I guess she wasn't always this way. My aunt said she was very sweet and charming. My aunt and Nancy were sent to an island in the South Pacific, one that has since been swallowed by the sea. I guess Nancy was a real partier and got into doing drugs and some weird ritual medicine stuff. 
Apparently, a week before they left, Nancy took my aunt aside and told her she had a small native villager living in her rectum. My aunt thought Nancy had lost it. However, it turns out that a local shaman had shrunk a man down to the size of one of those smaller Tootsie Rolls, and while Nancy was stoned and writing additional lyrics to "Fire and Rain" by James Taylor, the man crawled into her anus. So, Nancy is in perpetual and acute pain. It makes her mean and vengeful. But it's really not her fault. So, next time you see Nancy Grace and your initial response is to vomit or kill someone, remember she has a small South Pacific tribesman living in her ass, and ask yourself how you would feel.
Since then, my aunt has died. However, I was unable to unearth one of her journals, which  corroborates her story. Here are some excerpts:
September 7-Met my roommate Nancy. She has big blond hair and the most amazing collection of uncircumcised black dildos I have ever seen.
October 1-Nancy did not come home again last night. I found her in the horse stall naked. She kept singing that song by America and gently stroking the horse's mane.
October 23-Nancy killed a wildebeest with her bare hands today. We were making observations of the native species, when the next thing I know Nancy was naked and gnawing at the throat of a baby wildebeest. She tore out its heart and tried to make me eat half.
November 3-Woke up this morning and Nancy had a knife at my throat. She had painted her face black and demanded I call her Telabia. I promised I would.
Unfortunately, the rest of the pages of the journal are torn out. However, I feel that this additional information lends credence to my aunt's original story that Nancy Grace has a South Pacific villager living in her anus. I hope to discover more information. I will share it with you, as it comes in.

1 comment:

  1. You ought to do a followup post in a few weeks telling what Google searches brought people to this post - I'd love to know how many people searched for "Nancy Grace anus."