Saturday, November 17, 2012

Why I Named My Baby "..."

If you are like me, you have been waiting all year for the 2013 popular baby names. "Wait", the cloistered infertile person might say, "there is a fucking website called Nameberry that claims to be staffed by 'the world's leading experts?'" Yes, you pathetic, newborn hating cat hoarder  there is. It is my homepage. I have been waiting all year to see what the trends will be for 2013. Finally, the answers are here.

Apparently, parents love The Hunger Games for baby names. The Hunger Games is a book about children who kill each other, I think. I have not read the books. Nameberry claims names like Atticus, Augustus, and Persephone are going to be the big names of 2013. Why? Not because of pop culture, but because "These names transcend the pop culture influence. These names are powerful as they are deep, arming a child to triumph over earthly challenges."

Most baby experts will agree, how your child fairs in life is mostly the result of what you name it. That's why most people don't name their children loser or dickwad. Some people think a name means nothing, but it is the parenting that counts. Faulkner famously mocked the trend of baby naming by having a Snopes interloper name his children Wallstreet Panic and Montgomery Ward. He was obviously being ironic by suggesting that anybody who thinks a first name makes the man is a fucking moron.

But Faulkner was a skeptic. What did he know? We live in a world with alot of children. How do we distinguish children from each other without descending into the vulgarity of just adding extra syllables to common names like the Blacks do?  Here are some tips on how to name your child.

1) Go hang out at a playground with expensive recording equipment. Record what the children are called. Immediately scratch these names of your list. These kids are losers. They are hanging out at public parks. You don't want that fate for your litte unborn Beethoven.

2) Try to pick a name that is both monosyllabic but powerful and old-timey. You don't want to go Old Testament crazy like the Amish or early American settlers. Jake is good. Biff is not good.

3) If you have a favorite book and you feel you are better than others because it is your favorite book, try to find a name from that book. BUT NOT THE PROTAGONIST. That  is vulgar. If your favorite book is Ulysses, don't name your child Stephen. Name him Buck or Blazes.

4) Lastly, remember, if you are this concerned about your child's name, you are fucked up and you are going to scar that child for life with acute anxieties and feelings of inferiority. This means do your kid a solid now and pick a good name.

My wife and I do not believe in the coercive normative nature of names or language. Therefore, we decided not to name our child. We have also chosen not to assign it a gender, until it decides on its own. Instead, we named it "...". Our child is a pregnant pause that symbolizes the divine moment before creativity, the sublime transcendence of this all too temporal earth. We choose not to constrain that awesomeness with labels and signs. But, you probably aren't as good as us, so I suggest you follow the above steps closely.

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