Recently, a scholar from Fox News pointed out that women have become hairy domineering beasts that have caused men to adopt a life of perpetual bachelorhood. Suzanne Venker, a woman who has literally spoken with THOUSANDS of men and women, declared this week:
Women aren’t women anymore...In a nutshell, women are angry...That’s because they’ve been raised to think of men as the enemy.That's right fellas. Years of feminism and rage have backed women's vaginas up into their brains and they hate you. They want to emasculate you and make you their bitches. The recent election is proof of this fact. No more can white men speak the truth about rape and elective abortions, without the nut twister coming out.
You are probably thinking, "Well, if I cannot fuck a woman, I might as well just join the Army and go kill some Arabs. That certainly is something we have the market cornered in." Don't speak too soon, my post-modern girly man. This week a bunch of phallic adoring witches filed a lawsuit against the Department of Defense, claiming that the department's policy banning women from the front lines is discriminatory. Women want to be up there in the foxholes with you guys, talking about the other women in the platoon that have it out for them. Just as you are about to drop the hammer on some unsuspecting Afghani you're going to hear, "We never talk anymore. Do these night vision goggles make me look fat?" And there won't be any basement for you to go hide in and masturbate to co-eds rubbing their vaginas on each other's faces.
And this all leads up to Christmas. At least we have Christmas! Wrong! As the last true cockmaster, Bill O'Reilly, pointed out today, Rhode Island the vagina of America, wants to call Christmas trees holiday trees. That's right, no longer will we be able to celebrate Baby Jesus with a coniferous tree that never grew in Bethlehem. And what is a tree but a giant cock protruding from the Earth and impregnating the world around it with its sperm? It is likely women would agree to Christmas stumps or Christmas cacti, but even that is going to be prohibited. As O'Reilly points out, Christmas is not a religion it is a "philosophy." It is a philosophy that disproves the Cartesian dilemma and glows in the distant history as the Categorical Imperative of Americanism. But it is gone. Lost to feminism and pussy worshipers everywhere.
But their is a solution. MEN YOU NEED TO REASSERT YOURSELVES. You need to reclaim the penis's supremacy. Tonight, pull your girl aside. Tell her you want to talk. Ask her to sit down. Then, when she is ready for a three hour love fest about feelings and the future, slap her in the face with your flaccid cock. It will shock her. But most of all it will reinforce that you have what they want: Cocks. I have already done it with my wife, and she is downstairs right now shining my shoes and making me a grilled cheese. You can do it. Tomorrow, when your wife goes to work with a cock-shaped welt on her face she will only be able to look at her co-worker (who will bear the same mark) and they will know they have lost.