Monday, November 12, 2012

Justin Bieber Gets Drunk, Plays 'Cry Me A River', Allegedly Has Sex With Donkey

As many of you have probably heard, gay pop-star, and transcendent Everyman, Justin Bieber was dumped by some girl named Selena Gomez. Although the couple never actually spent time in the same room together, friends close to them described the relationship as platonic and boring. "The type of relationship common to gay men trying to avoid persecution by the Nazis in the 1940s," said one Bieber insider.

Apparently, Bieiber is not taking it well. During a show on Saturday night, he wrote a brand new song called "Cry Me A River" and sang it accompanied only by a solo guitar. The song was eight hours long and was supposedly a real time explanation of the grief Bieber was feeling over his loss. "Next to Pink Floyd's, 'The Wall'," said one critic, "I can't think of a grander more profound piece of music ever done live."

Unfortunately, as with most mad geniuses suffering the angst of a million daggers, Bieber's night did not end up well. After the show, he allegedly got drunk on sterno and spent the night riding a broken mechanical bull, calling himself the Toro King, and rubbing his genitals on anything with a pulse. Mert Cooley, a local rancher, found Bieber alone with his prize donkey, Randy, around three in the morning. It is unclear whether Cooley will press charges.

Bieber only had the following thing to say, "I don't know what's going on in my life...To even assess that it doesn't make sense 'cause I have not made any comment." POW! Bieber can't even asses what the fuck is going on because he has not even made a comment on it. Frank Smith, a local epistemologist, said, "He seems to be suggesting that he is unable to know how he feels until he makes a comment. This suggests that Bieber is just a life source of pure being that will inevitably erupt with an unquestionable truth, that even he has to sit back and ponder at a later time". I agree.

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