Monday, November 12, 2012

Good News: Texas About to Secede

If at first you don't secede, try try again-Somebody

It is good news for Texas but bad news for the rest of America, today. Texas, America's intellectual powerhouse, America's cerebrum, came a step closer today to seceding from the United States. A petition submitted to finally reached the requisite 25,000 signatures necessary for the Obama administration to take it seriously. Texans everywhere rejoiced. The second most popular Google search in Texas today was "Will there be blacks in the new Textopia?" The most popular search was, "What does secede mean?"

Americans everywhere are shocked and concerned about losing the crowned gem of these great United States. Texas has long led the country in many categories, including executing the mentally ill, the most blacks dragged behind a truck in one night, and the least amount of adults that believe in evolution. Now, Texas wants to take all it has to offer and go home.

What will America do? Why couldn't Florida go first? Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas, know as the "Genius" to his close friends is proposing that the new capital of Texas be on his ranch Niggarhead. "We propose a giant fence. A fence the size nobody has ever seen before. It will keep out the Mexicans and the liberals, and ensure that Texas purity is preserved," he said. He then fired off a six-shooter, miraculously killing an immigrant trying to sneak across the border.

Some might be cynical and think that Texas is just doing this to leverage what it wants out of the rest of the United States of America. Rumors abound that Texas is really interested in expelling all minorities, homosexuals, and a generic category called "Queers", and that they will back off seceding, if they get what they want. Others, suggest that Texas wants the right to replace public education with a giant rodeo, where children are raised to be cowboys and not pussies. 

So, we may have a life without Texas. A life without an execution a day. A life without racial killings.  A life without public education revolving around the Bible? Is that any kind of life? So, far, nobody I have met seems upset with Texas seceding. However, when we realize that we will only be stuck with Florida, I think popular opinion may change. 

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