If you are like me, you love books. When I am not watching Nancy Grace or commenting on my local newspaper's website, I am reading really good books. Grisham, King, the person who wrote 50 Shades of Grey. I can't get enough of that shit. But, if you are also like me, you have an empty gaping hole in your heart that needs filling with the Great American Novel. Well, folks, it is coming. Britney Spears is in talks with It Books to write a novel. If I could write a novel about my dreams, it would be a novel about Britney Spears writing a book.
The novel is rumored to be a fictionalized version of her life. This makes perfect sense, because to write a biography would probably be WAY too much, and your face would melt off like the guy in the Indiana Jones movie. So, Britney, will need to separate herself from herself. She will need to project an "other" into the book to remove the overwhelming potency that is her storybook life.
I imagine that Britney's book will likely be too high brow for most people. It probably wouldn't even be pedestrian enough to make it on to Oprah's Book Club. Nevertheless, I am willing to give it a go. I imagine it will likely combine the childish innocence of a Dicken's novel with the darkness of Dostoevsky or Conrad. Plus, I heard she is a huge Wallace fan, so expect lengthy footnotes, and arcane references that will only be known to the most brilliant fucking minds.
Many of you will ask, "Maury, isn't it true that you have to be literate to write a novel?" The answer is another question, "Does one need to have talent to be famous?" For serious people, the time has come to rejoice in the promise of a novel that will eclipse the contemporary novel. I, for one, cannot wait.